John: be a cat
by pepsicola porn
Summary: Dave visits John, who decides to act like a cat for some reason, and Dave barks. Ironically. AU. Dave/John fluff & smut.


**- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

GG: so john ive been meaning to ask  
>GG: what is with you and cats?<br>GG: i mean dont get me wrong theyre adorable!  
>GG: but every time we hang out and get online its always cat videos!<br>GG: hahahaha :)  
>GG: i mean its cute and funny and all when you get all starry eyed but<br>GG: cats john? really? XD  
>EB: hey<br>EB: that is ruuuuude jade!  
>EB: i feel very offended that you would question my devotion to cats<br>EB: it's not an addiction i can stop anytime i want to!  
>GG: john take a seat<br>GG: were all worried about you  
>GG: you spend all your time watching cats doing silly things<br>GG: you dont eat or sleep its all about cats!  
>EB: meow<br>GG: oh no its just as ive feared!  
>GG: youve turned into one of them! :(<br>EB: meeeeeow  
>GG: john noooooo!<br>EB: meow meow meeeow  
>GG: XD<br>EB: hehe  
>EB: i mean meow!<br>GG: lol  
>GG: oh no i have to go<br>GG: john dont start jumping on things and playing with strings!  
>GG: :(<br>EB: meow no promises meow  
>GG: XD<br>GG: ill talk to you later  
>EB: meow okay<br>GG: oh gosh you are dedicated  
>EB: meow<br>EB: yes i am  
>EB: …..meow<p>

**- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

TG: sup  
>EB: dave!<br>EB: we haven't talked in for a week, have we?  
>EB: man i am a shitty boyfriend! :(<br>TG: no man thats cool this makes us both shitty boyfriends  
>TG: such shitty shitty boyfriends we are horrible to each other<br>TG: john you should break up with this shitty boyfriend and save yourself the heartbreak  
>EB: no i think i'll give you a second chance<br>EB: i like you too much  
>TG: aw shucks i feel so honored<br>TG: hey man i think ill come over now actually  
>TG: your dads out of town which means fuck central<br>TG: gonna bang you in the kitchen in the living room in the hall  
>TG: maybe even on your computer chair i know that gets you all hot and bothered<br>EB: dave!  
>EB: not the computer chair! that's sacred!<br>TG: too late man its in my head it is happening  
>EB: dave!<br>TG: maybe ill get your computer screen all dirty too  
>TG: fucking smear it with egderp milk<br>EB: oh my god  
>EB: dave<br>EB: dave no  
>TG: oops look im already getting ready to leave<br>TG: see you soon super shitty boyfriend

**- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

EB: oh my god

* * *

><p>Your name is John Egbert and your boyfriend of six months, Dave Strider, is smirking at you as you open the front door. You two had gotten together after a lot of Rose meddling and even more Jade meddling (though Rose's meddling was advice and Jade was more but-into-your-life-and-push-you-two-together meddling) and you had never been happier. Dave had moved to Washington from Texas your second year of middle school and he was a hit; his Texan drawl, Strider swagger ™, and super sexy looks won the whole school over. You especially; while everyone stood gaping and wishing they were cool enough to approach him you were the first one to trot up to him, hold out your hand, and introduce yourself as John Egbert the pranking king.<p>

You two pretty much became best bros. Through him you met his step-sister Rose, and through you they met your best friend Jade. After that you four became some unstoppable force, strutting around school and intimidating everyone with your close broship (the girls included - being bros wasn't reserved for dudes only!) and you pretty became an isolate group of friends. And you were all perfectly fine with that. Then you got into high school and you met Karkat Vantas, a grumpy angry kid who you deemed your new buddy, and he began crushing on you and then Dave started acting weird and -

Your third year of high school Karkat kissed you and you went to Dave, freaking out, and he ended up chewing out the poor guy then kissed you right in front of him and…well, after that you avoided him but then Rose and Jade jumped in and suddenly you guys were dating. And that's how you ended up like this, all red-faced staring at Dave as he strolls into the house like he owned the place. You frown and shut the door with a childish huff, trailing behind him as he ventures into the living room. You know he was joking and just overall messing with you on Pesterchum but Dave is known for jumping your bones at the most random of moments. After your first time a few months back you both got over the awkward stage and got more comfortable with things like sex.

Still, Dave always finds a way to catch you off guard.

"So what room do we conquer first? I prefer the kitchen, honestly, because food play is something I've been interested in trying. But you're the lady Egderp, you make the first decision." Dave smirks at you and you look away with red cheeks and a frown-pout, wondering if he's serious or not. If he's serious then you really need to contemplate hitting him because that's just gross! The idea of writhing in whipped cream isn't exactly appealing.

"Ha-ha," is your reply. "C'mon shitty boyfriend, why don't we just watch some movies?"

"Only if we cuddle."

You roll your eyes because you know Dave and you know he's doing his irony thing but you agree anyway. You grab a blanket from the hall closet and curl up with Dave on the couch as you two end up watching Con Air even though Dave adamantly refuses but after some puppy eye looks he caved in, like he always does. Your head rests on Dave's shoulder and the movie blares as the story unfolds, and even though this is the hundredth-or-so time you've seen the movie you're enraptured by it.

Then Dave starts it; the moves. Yup, they're moves alright - his hand was resting innocently on your hip but twenty minutes into the movie his fingers slip under your shirt and ride up your side. You wiggle in a silent demand to stop but he doesn't - his inviting hand creeps higher, higher, then suddenly he shifts and faces you, face inches from yours.

"Dave," you whine, "_movie_."

"John," he mocks, "_sex_."

You can't help but laugh and, smirking, he kisses you. You decide Con Air can wait and throw your arms around him in an ironic (you hope; you really don't get the whole irony thing) gesture of girly delight, grinning into the kiss. His tongue is instantly in your mouth and exploring greedily. Dave never seems to tire of the whole exploring thing ("I'm like a fucking adventurer that keeps going back to that same spot to find new shit to conquer") and he reminds you of this as his hands roam as if for the first time, touching and caressing you. You arch against the touch when his finger trails up your spine and you shudder, a strange noise you've never made before leaving your throat. It sounds like a purr or a mewl or something, and suddenly you're remembering Jade and cats and you're trying not to laugh.

Dave doesn't notice, or maybe he doesn't care, because he suddenly pushes you down onto your back on the couch and he hovers above you. You smile innocently and he kisses you again, hand slipping down your stomach and chest and you wiggle anxiously and purr. His eyebrow raises but he continues touching you and you continue purring, eyes shut and head tilted back. He mutters something you don't catch and slowly eases down, sitting on your lap as he kisses your chest, one hand on your thigh the other holding your shirt up so he has complete access to your chest.

You shiver and moan, then you do it - "Meeeow~"

Dave stops and looks at you, then goes back to what he was doing with a "what the fuck ever" shake of his head. As he kisses down your chest and stomach you wiggle again and he moves up and begins to shower your throat with soft, affectionate kisses. He licks beneath your chin and nuzzles you and you meow again, loudly this time, and fling your arms around his neck so you can bury your face into his neck and snort.

He stops and waits and your snorting turns into giggling which turns into laughter, which then goes back to giggling. "Dave~ meow~" you purr out as you lick his neck, grinning and snickering like you were committing the biggest prank in the history of pranks; a prank so big your prankster's gambit would totally shatter.

For a moment he doesn't respond, but then he tilts his head slightly. You think you hear him mumble something but choose to ignore it and kiss his throat, nipping and wiggling against him as you purr and meow and giggle hysterically because you are _so freaking hilarious_! It's even funnier because Dave totally doesn't get it and you can tell you caught him off guard. Then, as you tug his shirt up and start moving your kisses lower, you hear him - with a totally straight face and in a totally monotone voice - bark.

"Mrrr?" you reply, trembling with contained laughter.

"Woof."

And you just _lose it_. With a chortle you pull away from him and start laughing hysterically, falling off the couch and landing painfully on your back but dang, you don't really care because that is the funniest thing you've ever witnessed. Ever. Your hands clutch your stomach and you look up at Dave, grinning ear to ear as your laughter grows lighter and less painful.

"Oh my god, Dave," you snort through your giggles as you roll on the ground, "_oh my god Dave._"

"What - arf - are you laughing about?" he asked with a blank face and an emotionless voice. You snort and laugh harder, tears practically streaming from your eyes.

"Dave, Dave, no. Dave," you gasp in hysterics. "Oh man. Man I love you."

Dave's eyebrow raises and he shifts on the couch, offering you a hand. Chortling you take it, not at all startled when he yanks you up onto the couch and back onto his lap. You topple forward and your chests press together. Still giggling you gently take his shades off and he lets you, and then you let him take yours off and he sets them on the table next to the couch. You put his shades on and grin at him and he just rolls his eyes.

"Am I cool Dave?" Then, because you almost forgot, you add, "Meow?"

"John, you don't magically become cool by putting on Strider sunglasses. It's not the glasses that make the Strider, it's the Strider that makes the Strider." You snort and roll your eyes because _gosh_ Dave, that sounds like BS to you, but you let him remove the sunglasses from your eyes and set them aside with your own glasses. Then he kisses your cheek and you giggle. Because you think it's cute and pretty romantic of Dave to do that.

Then, because he almost forgot, he adds, "Woof."

You laugh again and he pulls you down for a kiss to shut you up. You let him, licking and sucking his tongue because you're apparently a cat now, and cats do that. You think. Oh well, doesn't matter, you plan to please Dave tonight just for barking ironically for you. Seriously, you haven't laughed that hard in a while! Leave it to Dave to find a way to have you literally rolling on the ground laughing so hard you're crying.

You steady yourself on his shoulders, kissing desperately as you let out tiny sighs and mews into the kiss, which Dave apparently likes because he grabs you by the shirt and holds you firmly against his chest as you kiss. You pull back for air and you grin, tugging your shirt off with ease then remove Dave's, who obediently raises his arm like a child so you can get it off quicker and easier and pretty much without tearing anything. Yeah, the first time you two did it you accidentally tore Dave's shirt trying to get it off and Dave made you sew it back up while wearing an apron and talking like a 60s housewife and - well, yeah, you didn't plan to make _that_ mistake again.

You begin to move your hips sensually down against Dave's, beaming in triumph when you hear small guttural moans escape your boyfriend every now and then. It's too early in the day for actual sex, you decide, but Dave seems pretty desperate for _something_ and as his boyfriend it would be wrong to deny him! So you inch away slightly to unbutton his jeans, slipping back until you fall off the couch and onto your knees. Dave doesn't say anything and just watches you as you paw his growing erection through his boxers in a playful manner, peeking up at him before you tug those down too.

You suddenly grasp the edge of the couch and heft yourself up to give him a peck on the lips before you collapse onto your knees again, crouching down to sit eye-level with Dave's groin. Then, without warning, you lean closer to kiss the tip of Dave's member and giggle when it seems to twitch in greeting. You resist the urge to say "hello Dave junior" and instead lick up the shaft, wiggling in discomfort at the heavy breathing and small groans these actions elicited from Dave. The noises you hear are making your own John Junior (_oh gosh hehehehe_) begin to stir. You begin rubbing yourself through your jeans as you hesitantly (you'd only sucked Dave once before and it was in the shower, so this was just a tad bit different) took him into your mouth. His breathing jumped and your tongue flicked out to swirl around the head, the flat of your tongue rubbing up and down his shaft.

"_John_," Dave moans helplessly, hand reaching out to grab a fistful of your hair. You grin and swallow more, stifling a choke as you try not to gag because man oh man, the sounds Dave is making. You close your eyes and slip your hands into your jeans to grasp your own growing problem, continuing to lick and suck Dave and you even move your head a bit in a bobbing motion. He's getting more and more riled up and begins arching into your open, warm, wet inviting mouth, shuddering the more fast and violent your ministrations are.

Finally, with a final shudder and breathless moan of your name, Dave arches his back one last time and explodes inside of your mouth. You flinch and pull back, letting cum dribble from your bottom lip because yeah, you are _not_ going to swallow that stuff. You cough a little but despite how nasty it tastes you lick your lips a little anyway, because you know Dave likes when you do that, and your thumb brushes your own fully hard penis.

"Nu-uh," Dave manages to pant, sittinng up from his slumped/satisfied pose on the couch to tug you towards him. You barely manage to stand and begin whining because it's _soooo uncomfortable Dave!_ but he just shakes his head and makes you sit on his lap again. You tilt your head and, for ironic purposes and because you still think it's hilarious, you meow your confusion. Dave just rolls his eyes but you smirk because his cheeks are still totally flushed so your super awesome blowjob totally affected him.

"Dave," you whisper pathetically.

"Shh," he murmurs and tugs your jeans and boxers down. He stares at your erection and you flush because yeah, wow Dave, that's really uncomfortable and awkward and stop staring. Dave just reaches our to rub his thumb over the tip, smearing the pre-cum already dripping down, and you shudder with a breathless "oh" that makes Dave smirk. He grasps your length with his hand and begins to move gently, up and down side to side up and down again, and every now and then his thumb brushes the tip and he licks his lips and _holy shit that is hot_. The way he's staring at you makes you feel like you're about to be eaten alive.

You moan, grasping his shoulders as you thrust into his hand, the fabric of his jeans - still low but resting slightly above his knees - rubbing against your sensitive thighs and butt only driving you more insane and fuck you love it. You lean close to kiss him and he mutters something about how uncool it is to taste his own cum, but he kisses you back anyway as he continues jerking you off like a pro. It doesn't take much longer for you to whine his name against his lips and shiver blissfully as you ejaculate, right on his naked stomach. You sigh and slump forward, forehead pressed peacefully on his shoulder. His hand slips from your softening member to slip up your chest and back and tangle in your hair. You laugh.

"Ew, gross Dave, don't get my own stuff in my hair!"

"You got mine in my mouth. We're even."

You giggle and bury your nose into his shoulder with a content sigh, eyes shutting happily. "Maybe we can just shower together."

"I like that idea."

Con Air long forgotten, Dave pulls a prince charming on you and scoops you up bridal style. Then he remembers his pants are at his ankles and has to put you down to take them off and, laughing, you take yours off to and open your arms invitingly, like a child begging to be picked up by their mom or dad. Dave obliges and scoops you up again. You ignore his comment about you being ridiculously light and he carries you to the bathroom.

He starts the shower and you watch him bend over to work the knobs, naked and butt waving around and you try not to laugh.

Then he turns to look at you over his shoulder and pulls you into the shower with him. Before your lips even meet he has you laughing again because, with a face as emotionless as a human being can possibly get, he deadpans, "Woof."


End file.
